Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Pregnancy after Infertility

After going through an 18 month struggle with not being able to conceive something happened I wasn't prepared for.
After the inital joy, excitement and happiness i felt, i started feeling extremely guilty.
There were so many people who had been struggling for years upon years and I was the one who ended up pregnant.
Dont get me wrong I was extremely happy for Charlie and I and wouldn't trade it for the world, but i was just so sad for the couples that I knew who were still struggling.
I was worried about telling people I was pregnant because I didn't want to cause others heartache.
When i was trying to conceive it felt like every single one of my friends were having babies and while I was happy for them, my heart ached for Charlie and I.
It was such a hard struggle between obviously being happy for your friend but still feeling so sad for yourself.
I didn't want to be the source of that struggle for others.
If it weren't for Charlie really pushing me to announce it on Facebook and tell others, I would have not told anyone until it was extremely obvious.
I am still very wary of posting things on Facebook about my pregnancy.
You just never know who is struggling.
Going through this has taught me to be more aware and sensitive of others and to understand that you have no idea what they are going through behind closed doors.
My heart is always with those couples who are experiencing this difficult journey.

One of the main things that got me through was God.
He revealed Himself to me in so many ways.
I signed up to receive daily emails from a website called "Sarah's Laughter".
They were AMAZING.
I still have my favorites saved on my phone.
The November before we found out we were pregnant Charlie and I went to our lakehouse for Thanksgiving.  
We rode up with his parents and i remember reading one of these emails and just balling in the back seat.
It was talking about going through holidays with such an ache in your heart.
The scripture and story just hit home to me and pulled at my heart strings.
I realized its ok to feel sad and accept that you are going through a hard time in your life.
Reading this completely changed my outlook on the holidays and really allowed me to enjoy the time with my family.
It was a completely different experience than the year before.
I am so thankful for those emails and for God showing me how to relate emails, stories and sermons to what I am specifically going through.

A new church service began at my church on Sunday nights.
The nightly service opened up new doors for me because Charlie could come every other week 
and when he couldn't I felt comfortable going alone.
I swear every single sermon and song was directed right at me.
I spent so many of those services in tears and taking every word in and applying it to what was going on in my life.
It was amazing.

I am thankful that I went through this journey because, like I said before, I have become so much more aware of others and it drew me closer to God and my husband.
I am working on being more open with things about my pregnancy because I am so happy to be having a baby.
Its just hard to be the source of someone else's struggle.

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